Thursday, October 29, 2009

What Women Want

So you're thinking of having your bitch squeeze out a few puppies? The following is my answer to a question someone recently asked me about "pregnant sex".

First trimester:
"I'm gonna barf." Once a week there's a 10-minute window with, "I don't feel sick! Get your ass over here and fuck me NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!"

Second trimester:
FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME NOW NOW NOW FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME SOME MORE! Go make me toast! And bacon*. And more toast. Now FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE! I need more toast. Since you're headed toward the kitchen anyway you can make me some bacon-flavoured toast and pile it high with bacon, and then bring the bacon-toast-bacon sammich back here and then FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME MORE!!

Third trimester:
I'm fat. I'm horrible. I'm ugly. I can't even see my overgrown bush. You only want to fuck me to make fun of me. I can deal with that. So are you going to fuck me? I know you only want to do it to mock me. That? It's my cervix. Yeah, it dropped. No, the baby probably doesn't notice your cock is pounding against her little head but.... huh? That's disturbing? GODDAMMIT I NEED SOME SEX NOW, BITCH! No, you can't fuck me in the ass. Because half of it is falling out, that's why! I'll blow you if you just... move... over this way... If you make that Greenpeace dragging me back into the water joke again you're going to bleed now FUCK ME ALREADY! You did this to me so you damned well better do this to me, NOW!

Immediate post-birth:
GODDAMMIT I'M HORNY! And in pain. And my guts will be leaking out through my crotch for the next two months. NO, you CANNOT go UTBNB because my asshole is still trying to turn itself inside out. No, I'm too tired for a blowjob. Handjob, too. You know that youporn site I told to quit spending so much time at? Yeah, spend some time there. But once I've healed you better fuck me like your life depends on it BECAUSE IT DOES.

Three months post-birth:
The kid's asleep. We have five minutes. Pay attention: fuck me, fuck me good, and for gods' sake do NOT make a fucking sound because I will end you if we have to stop in the middle to replace the damned pacifier or sing the Sleepy Song again. Let's GO!

She was a vegetarian before she got pregnant.

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Blogger -h pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

One day your child is going to read this...

29 October, 2009 16:17  
Anonymous Anonymous pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

Thank you. We were planning a spring wedding, late April or early May. But now I'm thinking maybe not. Let's wait a couple of years... or so.

08 January, 2010 09:08  
Anonymous phenom pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

30 January, 2010 01:26  

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