What could this be? A list of trainings I can finally have? A transfer to a less shittastical office? Permanent home office approval?
"It's now ten years since you are viz ze company, " Meathead explained as I opened the folder. "You have zis now."
It was a full-colour, A4 certificate congratulating me on having held out for 10 years in this hell. Printed on an old colour inkjet (the banding was pretty bad). And signed by two people in HR I've never heard of.
"That's not all, is it?" I asked, trying hard not to show just how underwhelmed I was.
"No," Meathead replied, "Zair's more!" He was almost beaming. "You can have ze authorisation to order a 10-year anniversary pen."
"No, of course not."
"Not even five yo-yos to go get a beer?"
"No, you know zat zere is no bonus money like zat in $MegaCorp."
"A free day of extra vacation, maybe?"
"Well, I guess you can leave early today if you get all ze extra work done early."
Colour me underwhelmed.
A pen. A fucking pen and shitty "certificate". Be still my shriveled, black heart.