Thursday, July 15, 2010


What's the fucking point of a four-day weekend if every goddamned store is closed? Fucking Germans.

And in the Inbox is ticket x30109q00335 from "Karl".

We are exhausted with two things:
Really, Hoss? Me too. MegaCorp's way of doing business and the people it does business with. People like... you.

1)Microsoft incompatibilty
2)Functionalities being taken away.

Huh? There are Windows versions of the Gimp and Tux Racer.

Do you perhaps mean changes in Microsoft functionality whenever they fix something in their OS and the resulting need to patch our software to deal with that? What exactly do you want me to do about it? Do I have some special power to make Microsoft stop disabling shit? Tell them to cut it out yourself; You're the one handing them 50 grand a year, not me.

Microsoft is going to disable and remove shit whenever they damned well feel like it. DriveSpace. MSJVM. Progman. If you were an actual administrator and not a chimp you'd know how to deal with some of these problems.

We dont want to upgrade your software too
So you'll patch Windows but not the software running on Windows which won't run if you don't patch it? Huh? Look, every time Microsoft disables functions we have to re-write parts of our software. If they deprecate some more functions that they used to recommend as Best Practices, what the fuck do you think will happen? Either don't take the patch that will disable $OurBigApp or patch everything.

Now you say you are changing support for version 3.c.5 so what functionalities is $MegaCorp planning to discontinue on $YourBigApp version 3.c.5?
Which ones would you like us to discontinue? We aren't changing the functionality of the fucking software, you knob end, just how much we're willing to help you with it and how much we're charging you to hold your hand and fix your fuck-ups. That's why the Notice of Changes to Support for versions 3.c.x wasn't called Notice of Functionality Removal for versions 3.c.x.

We're not taking away any functionality. There are minor support changes. You have to patch our software if you install the drastic Windows patches.

And that should've been the end of it. But noooooo...

You say you don't take away functionality but $MuuxMarketServerProg is GONE! We need $MarketServerProg! Tell Microsoft to bring it back!

Tell Microsoft, huh? To bring back our software module. Which didn't go away but rather only had a very clearly documented name change due which can be found in every fucking tech journal and news site to some shitheel suing us for daring to use the name he used on his bugalicious sold-three-copies-in-1998 program which has since lain dead, the download Web page not having been updated for more than a decade.

Read the fucking docs. Patch your software. Follow the post-patch instructions and use the new name of $MarketServerProg (which is the totally unintuitive $MuuxAppServerMarket).

I need a cup of coffee which I'll get right after closing this ticket Root Cause: 17-Fuckwit . Maybe I'll get lucky and someone will walk by with some Valium. Or Haldol. Beggars can't be choosers.

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Friday, July 09, 2010

Inbox: (412/13279)

Internal Ticket: DE1755-FG12
From: REC
Subject: Smee again. Moar mail quota pleez
Summary: GeeMale gives me seven gigs per account but I can't use them for corporate mail. Please increase my one account here to 500MB.

Memory is a tricky thing. Misremembering is terribly common. "Didn't the same thing happen a couple of years ago?" Close, but since $Thing wasn't terribly important, time has passed, and a few details match up, the mind tries to fill in the rest, usually to my detriment. And any time some ├╝bermanager misremembers something about me I have to nip it in the bud quickly or suffer the consequences of a (not always undeserved) bad reputation, such as with my "communications skills"

-----Original Message-----
From: $MegaCorp IT
Sent: 2010.06.12 21:08
Subject: Re: Ticket DE1755-FG12 - Smee again. Moar mail quota pleez

Your inbox contains over 14,000 mails. Your older mail should be archived. We must have a justification for this amount of mail server usage.

Justification 1: Since even the programmers come to me for Unicode help and I'm an expert in Areas $1, $2 and $3, I have to constantly send & receive large diagnostic files. Because I am often working remotely these files must remain on the server to ensure transfer.

Justification 2: We have a some lying motherfuckers here and I have to cover my ass, which means searching through three fucking years of mail using my wife's $300 netbook on a borrowed wireless connection during my vacation instead of walking my kid on the beach.

From: Sal P.
Sent: 2010.04.22 21:51
Subject: Legit question
No problem. Sorry but we're waiting on QA for confirmation. I'll let you know as soon as I have the info.

From: Sal P.
Sent: 2010.04.23 21:36
Subject: Re: Legit question
Body: Any update?
I told you yesterday we're waiting on QA. I also told you yesterday that I'll let you know as soon as I have the info.

From: Sal P.
Sent: 2010.05.03 21:36
Subject: Re: Legit question
Body: ANY UPDATE YET?????????
You're pissing me off, Sal. When I get the info I'll fucking tell you.

From: Sal P.
Sent: 2010.05.11 22:15
CC: $Clueless1, $Clueless2, Sal's_Manager
Subject: REC won't answer my question!
I don't have QA confirmation yet. Wash out your twatsilicates.

From: Sal's_Manager
Sent: 2010.05.20 00:47
To: Sal's_Manager's_Manager
CC: Sal
Subject: FW: Re: REC won't answer my question!
Body: REC should answer Sal's question.
You fucking fuck.

From: Sal's_Manager's_Manager
Sent: 2010.05.26 03:18
To: Sal's_Manager's_Manager's_Manager
CC: Sal, Sal's_Manager, Sal's_Manager's_Manager
Subject: Re: FW: RE: REC won't answer my question!
Body: REC should answer Sal's question.
No surprise.

From: Sal's_Manager's_Manager's_Manager
Sent: 2010.06.01 09:14
To: REC's_Manager
CC: Sal, Sal's_Manager, Sal's_Manager's_Manager
Subject: Re: FW: RE: REC won't answer my question!
Body: REC should answer Sal's question. Didn't we have a problem with with REC's responsiveness before? Please discuss the matter with him.

From: REC's_Manager
Sent: 2010.06.03 09:14
Subject: FW: Re: FW: RE: REC won't answer my question!
Body:Can you please respond to Sal's question immediately?

I'mma bury this bitch. But as my paws pound out the poison I remember that I need to look "dignified" and "professional" so I try to channel Lassie and "set him on fire" in a way that won't burn me as well.

From: REC
Sent: 2010.06.01 11:33
To: everyone in the two mail chains
Subject: Re: FW: Re: REC won't answer my question!
Attachment: $Mail1, $Mail2, $Mail3, $Mail4, $Mail5, $Mail6

I have already sent out an E-Mail explaining that this document has been updated. Attached please see the mails I'd previously sent directly to Sal (22 April, 23 April and again a week later on 03 May -- attachments 1-3) that QA had to confirm information about $Problem. Once I finally had the information I updated documents and included a special note. This was only just confirmed and approved by QA on 18 May.

I updated and then announced the document to my manager on 19May. He forwarded this to $REC's_Manager's_Manager to then be pushed worldwide (see attachment 4). I also sent a direct note to Sal and included a copy of that announcement mail (attachment 5), answering his question in full and adding a lot of extra information to ensure customer satisfaction with Sal's thorough answer.

I'm sorry it took so long but that was entirely out of my hands. I don't have the authority to make QA confirmations such as those concerning this or any other similar matter.

This is not the first time Sal has demonstrated a lack of patience and understanding of the business processes we follow. Two years ago Sal started escalating demands for response and action on my part as we waited for a patch simply because I was the one who filed the defect (see attachments 5 & 6). Perhaps that is what Sal's_Manager's_Manager's_Manager is thinking of because we have had no other direct contact since then.

Please note that I have been on vacation for the past 10 days and will not be back in the office until next Friday.


The ├╝bermanager remembers he was bothered with some petty shit involving me. The upside is that now with this repetition and reinforcement he'll remember it's all because of his own fuckwit underling and not me.

And now it's all BadPuppy's time. She hasn't learned to be furious at these fuckwits yet but she's making it abundantly clear that she's annoyed Papa Dog wasn't paying enough attention to his whelp.

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In compliance with $MegaCorp's general policies as well as my desire to
continue living under a roof and not the sky or a bus shelter, I add this:

The views expressed on this blog are my own and
do not necessarily reflect the views of $MegaCorp, even if every
single one of my cow-orkers who has discovered this blog agrees with me
and would also like to see the implementation of Root Cause: 17-Fuckwit.