Explorer? What's that?

On my whiteboard is the following bit of SQL which my colleagues admire greatly:

SELECT * FROM OurBigCompany.EmployeePosition.TAR T1 WHERE T1.clue IS NOT NULL ORDER BY T1.clue DESC;
***0 rows returned.

---

If your position is Technical Account Representative (TAR) and I reply to your ever-so-urgent ticket about some problem by asking for the size and versions of three Windows 2003 Server DLLs, I do not expect a reply 14 days later asking me how to find this out.

TAR: Help!!! Server no work! I get error #144110! Also, I am Customer TAR. Customer not writing. What wrong?

me: Ah, errnum 144110, it seems you're with us even in Win2K3.
What's the version and size for each of the following three DLLs?

[two weeks pass]
[ticket closed for inactivity]
Next day:

TAR: Don't close! Customer will update today.
TAR: How we find out about this from DLLs?

me: Stare at screen for ten minutes in silence, utterly dumbfounded. Send copy to manager. Send detailed explanation on using Windows Exploder, navigating to correct directory, and right-clicking on three fucking files.

[three weeks pass]
[ticket closed for inactivity]
Next day:

TAR: Here are versions.

me: I thought so. errnum 144110 plus StupidCryptFramework.DLL version equals simple file corruption. Remedy: uninstall a single corrupted file, it'll be rebuilt automatically on next connection.

OK. Go to the Windows\Downloaded Programs folder, right-click on StupidCryptFramework.DLL and select "REMOVE".
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SELECT THE FILE AND DELETE IT!
It's installed and must therefore be removed. If you delete it, much work will be involved in trying to clean up the Registry since this DLL is referenced in so many places and under many different identifiers.
So don't delete it -- UNINSTALL it the way I explained 100 words ago.

[two weeks pass]
[ticket closed for inactivity]
Next day:

TAR: We delete file like you say. YourBigApp still not work.

me: You deleted it? By right-clicking and uninstalling it, right?

TAR: Yes. We open Downloaded Programs folder and delete file. Still not work so we delete from Recycle Bin. Still not work! HELP!

me: Re-image the machine.

TAR: Why?!

me: Because if you can't follow simple instructions on removing a file; there's no way we can work together on registry editing. It will be toast and you'll have to re-image it anyway. This will save us both time.

Ticket closed.
Root cause: Customer.
Reason Code: 4-Error in Execution.

I need my Reason Code 17-Fuckwit.