Monday, March 20, 2006

Ah, so it's MY fault you're stupid.

Someone just cost me a few thousand when it comes time for performance reviews and bonus payment because he's a fuckwit.

Why did he do this? Because he didn't like the answer he was given.

I don't live or work in Redmond, nor do I work for a company with offices there. We don't provide different software for use with different databases nor are license keys bound to the DB.
We need the software and corresponding license keys for the MS SQL Server 2005 database.
Well then, shouldn't you be writing to Microsoft?
$BigCorp cannot provide you with products from the Microsoft Corporation. You would need to contact Microsoft for the software and licensing information.

Closed. Root Cause: 17-Fuckwit.

Customers are given the chance to fill out a survey for each ticket which includes such categories as "Knowledgeable", "Curteous" and "Timely" to be rated on a scale of 1-5. There are also automatic high- and low-score notification mails which are sent to any monkey receiving averages above 4.5 and below 2.5, respectively. And to the manager of said monkey. And to that manager's manager. And in the case of a low score, to the next two levels, as well.

I'm notorious for my high score notiofications. They don't even rate a mention anymore. I only ever got one low score and it was because the customer wanted to know if anything really would happen if he gave a low score. Normally they get a call from the manager within 24 hours.

So it came as quite a shock to see a mail with the subject line: Low Score Survey -- Automatic Notification. WTF?!

The bastard gave me 1s across the board. This takes my quarterly average from 4.8 to around 4.2. Unless I get a dozen more customers to fill out the damned surveys (an average of 5% survey returns is "good" here), I'm hosed.

What was I supposed to do? Copy MSDN CDs to the customer's FTP site? Fuckers.


Anonymous Anonymous pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

That sucks, obviously.

Shall I call you for support so that I can give you a good rating?

Strange though, is your company German? I have never known a German company to actually give a fuck what the customers think..unless of course, they can use it as an excuse to screw their employees out of money.

I had a customer call me late last night, at home no less because he thinks he should be charged less for a set-up fee.

Sorry, Charlie (his name was Chen actuall) you fucking call me at home and the set-up fee will be raised, not lowered.

29 March, 2006 17:24  
Anonymous Anonymous pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

Dime the bastard out. Make the call from a bar payphone. Tell Microsoft that the customer is using pirated software. Then sit back and watch the fun.

02 June, 2007 08:38  

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In compliance with $MegaCorp's general policies as well as my desire to
continue living under a roof and not the sky or a bus shelter, I add this:

The views expressed on this blog are my own and
do not necessarily reflect the views of $MegaCorp, even if every
single one of my cow-orkers who has discovered this blog agrees with me
and would also like to see the implementation of Root Cause: 17-Fuckwit.