Friday, April 30, 2010

Pow! BAM! Kerr-ACK!

Hooray! We're not just on airplanes and bicycles, we're now in a film!

Dusting this one off -- I started writing it some time ago and saved it during a reboot but it's still relevant.

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL EMPLOYEES: $MegaCorp has limited permission to use select trademarks, images, and characters. WE MAY NOT repurpose these assets in any way or create separate materials using said trademarks, images, or characters. © 2010 ABCDEFG. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. TM & © 1942-2010. We will sue your ass.
That's right, $MegaCorp has spent millions of dollars to ensure that our fucking logo appears for at least 1½ seconds somewhere in a fucking superhero film. And not just any superhero film but a fucking sequel which is already expected to go straight to DVD. Because the super-influential PFYs who might watch this steaming pile of crap could just possibly notice our logo during its two-second appearance and therefore feel compelled to ensure their companies spend $80M/year on our products.

It could haaaaaaaaaappen.

Or the entire fucking rest of us could maybe have a goddamned COLA raise. We're not even looking for something like the board gave themselves (about three billion-with-a-B), just enough to be able to cover the fucking cost of this year's rent and fuel increases.

We sponsor the shittiest plane in the world. It has our logo on it. The cost of our logo (which is smaller than even the most timid tagger would make) could give every employee a $10K raise. The plane is so shit that it makes a crashed Tupolev look like a fucking museum piece P-51 Mustang. The pilot flies better when he's drunk (although so do I but don't tell the FAA because I'd hate to lose my ticket).

We sponsor some fucking bicycle-rider. Never mind that this isn't a sport so much as a commuter activity for most of $MegaCorp's employees, those In The Know feel it necessary to pay for a finger-sized logo on some twat's two-wheeler. A twat who'd never survive working for just one hour as a courier in NYC or San Fran. A cuntnuzzle who has quite publicly fallen over while competing, an action our wares really shouldn't be associated with.

We also sponsor some car. In exchange for sporting our logo over the right fender on a sticker so small a single square of toilet paper could cover it and most of the candy bar logo which rides above it, $MegaCorp spends more on this than a $20K/employee raise would cost.

Like the airplane, the car hasn't won a single fucking race ever. Which is why we need to spend more money this year to sponsor it. Because the seven people in the world who give a shit about watching useless hippies driving weird cars in circles around abandoned tracks for 32 hours at a stretch might get a glimpse of our logo and feel compelled to spend $200 million of their company's money on our products.

Instead of paying their own employees enough to pay their own fucking bills. Just like $MegaCorp.



Anonymous Hugh pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

This seems like the closest you've come to revealing your "secret identity" on this blog.

I hope at least they are getting everyone tickets to the movie/race.

30 April, 2010 18:13  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

In compliance with $MegaCorp's general policies as well as my desire to
continue living under a roof and not the sky or a bus shelter, I add this:

The views expressed on this blog are my own and
do not necessarily reflect the views of $MegaCorp, even if every
single one of my cow-orkers who has discovered this blog agrees with me
and would also like to see the implementation of Root Cause: 17-Fuckwit.