Monday, April 30, 2007

Only if Your Father Agrees...

Kids learn quick that parents will foist decisions off on each other, especially when they don't have any strong feelings about the subject. When ReallyEvilPuppy asked his mother if he could go see Car Wash, he didn't get a yes or no. He was directed instead to ask his his father, in front of whom he'd have to plead his case. Kids learn quickly which parent is the lighter touch and for me it was mum. Why else would I have asked her first?

Kids figure out the system quickly and soon learn that it's not just whom you ask but how you do it. When it came time to ask to see that 1976 classic, Mother, Jugs & Speed, ReallyEvilPuppy changed his tactics. "Dad, mum says I can go see Mother, Jugs & Speed as long as you don't have anything against it." It was PG-rated but I was able to counter that Bill Cosby was in it. The Coz was best known to my parents as William E. Cosby, EdD, creator of the "educational" cartoon Fat Albert, and race boundary breaker in the TV series, I Spy. They knew he did comedy but didn't know he'd work blue in a film.

My parents found out all about that film a few weeks later and it was a couple years before I was free to go to a film without finding the review in the paper beforehand for my parents to scrutinise. Who knows how much wisdom I missed out on because of that? It was MJ&S that taught me "You can't bribe a city official with an IOU," an important lesson for one who finds himself managing a bar some years later in a city not known for it's lack of corruption.

Chuckie, the epitome of "sloth", is supposed to be the system administrator for $DynaCorp. A few months ago he asked mommy about a problem he was having. Mommy asked him to tell her all about his troubles. Chuckie didn't want to give away everything at once and Mommy spent two months trying to extract the information she needed from a sullen and stubborn Chuckie. As Mommy continued to tell Chuckie that $VPN software looked more and more like the culprit with every update, Chuckie finally just stopped responding rather than sending in the logs we needed. No further response. Root Cause: 6-Customer Error. Case closed.

Responsive Reading:
REC: And that should've been the end of it.
All: But it wasn't. It never is.

We have had an ongoing issue with hangs when we work with attached files. Please see ticket FS-041206C9 for details.

We now know the hang is related to attachment size and can happen very intermittently. The client has $VPN installed. Note it does not need to be running just installed.

I'm looking for information on what is generating this issue. Please assign this ticket to European resources!

WTF? Chuckie's in Cali-fore-nye-ae. Why would he want someone in the EU to handle this? The fuckwits normally bitch if the monkey they get isn't in their same goddamned time zone. Clicky-clicky let's find out what the hell Chuckie's been up to.

I thought so. Chuckie has asked a few different Mommies, all of whom responded in the same nurturing, tender fashion. And now?

Responsive Reading:
REC: Chuckie decided to ask daddy.
All: Who's yo daddy?
REC: Woof.

It's time for a little tough love, and my father's admonition all those years ago was pretty close to the answer I sent to Chuckie:

Three times you've asked your mother if you could go to a movie and three times she's told you to first show her the listings. Then you came to me and said she agreed that you could go -- hoping that I wouldn't check up or contradict her -- when she said no such thing. She said you could go if I said it was OK, which I never did.

Under no circumstances will you be allowed to go to an R-rated film. If you want to go to the movies again you will bring us the movie listing and reviews. Is that clear?

Any questions?

Get rid of $VPN or talk to their support. If the problem happens even when $VPN isn't running but only on machines on which it's been installed, it's changing DLLs and registry values and fucking things up for $OurBigApp. If you're an administrator you should be able to at least understand this basic logic.

One mommy happened to be on-line and I let her know that Chuckie's back. She wrote back that she let her DynaCorp ticket go on longer than it should've to give Chuckie the benefit of the doubt. Oh yeah? Well if he comes back this time without the movie lis..., I mean, server and Ethereal logs, Daddy's gonna send him out to the woodshed.

This ticket, as with all those handled by the mommies before, will close with a Root Cause:6, but Chuckie's asking the same goddamned question five times and refusing to invoke the simplest bits of logic help build the case for my demand: Give us monkeys a Root Cause: 17-Fuckwit!

x-posted from HuSi, where there's a poll.


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In compliance with $MegaCorp's general policies as well as my desire to
continue living under a roof and not the sky or a bus shelter, I add this:

The views expressed on this blog are my own and
do not necessarily reflect the views of $MegaCorp, even if every
single one of my cow-orkers who has discovered this blog agrees with me
and would also like to see the implementation of Root Cause: 17-Fuckwit.