Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A Successful Life of Crime

If you're not willing to join the rat race -- and really, who could blame you? -- you will in all likelihood consider some other sort of career path. Unless your goal is state-<sponsored/enforced/delete as necessary> care, there are a few important things you need to remember.

1) When you enter a secure building, try not to look directly at the cameras. Hats and scarves are your friends. Dreadlocks, Mohawks, and custom Bayern München football jerseys with your own name on them are not.
2) When choosing the prospective laptop to abscond with, check the soon-to-be-previous owner's title on the door of his office. The higher that person's position, the more vigourously the return of the object will be sought. Avoid "director", "manager" and any acronym beginning with a "C".
3) Having obtained the laptop, you must replace hard drive with a new drive of similar capacity. A little planning and patience will allow you to both swap the used drive with the new one and return the used drive as defective for a full refund (unless you boosted that, too, in which case you have an extra drive you can then format and sell as new).
4) Do not place your newly-obtained laptop on eBay one day after acquisition.
5) When you do put the laptop up for auction some weeks later, list it as being sold from a different city. If possible, list it from a neighbouring country. Computer buyers are willing to pay shipping.
6) Ensure the serial number can't be seen in photos of the laptop.

If you fail to observe these simple rules, you -- just like Markus S. -- could face €2500 in fines plus court costs and lawyer's fees, six months of prison and another €3100 bill to pay CBL for data recovery from the quick-formatted drive.

Fuckwit.

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