An Ideal World

We have certain business processes which are supposed to be followed. In their misguided attempts to stick their heads as far up their asses as possible management have finally recursively pushed their foreheads out from between their teeth. The sensible processes refined over years are no longer adhered to quite as they were in the past nor quite as one might hope for in a company of over five thousand people worldwide with revenues in the billions.

An example:

L-user -> On-site SysAdmin: HALP! There's sand in my vagina! The App's not working!
On-site SysAdmin: Stay calm. Try Foo.
L-user: OK. Tried it. Still doesn't work.

On-site SysAdmin -> $MegaCorp 1st line support: HALP! There's sand in my vagina! The App's not working! Already tried Foo!
$MegaCorp 1st line support: Stay calm. Try Bar.
On-site SysAdmin: OK. Tried it. Still doesn't work.

$MegaCorp 1st line support -> $MegaCorp 2nd line support: HALP! There's sand in my vagina! The App's not working! Already tried Foo and Bar!
$MegaCorp 2nd line support: Stay calm. Try Baz.
$MegaCorp 1st line support: OK. Tried it. Still doesn't work.

$MegaCorp 2nd line support -> REC: HALP! There's sand in my vagina! The App's not working! Already tried Foo, Bar and Baz!
REC: Stay calm. Set logging to ALL, run foo, bar, baz, quux and muux. Send logs, screenshots and run a truss.
$MegaCorp 2nd line support: OK. I'm sending it to you.

REC: {ponder}
REC: {research}
REC: {this game's neat}
REC: {test}
REC: {this one's also pretty cool}
REC: {epiphany}

REC -> Engineering: We have a defect. Here are the details. Repro environment on 4DA33.testbed.internal.megacorp.com. Directions, truss, logs, screenshots, dumps attached.

Engineering -> QA: Here's a fix. Test it.

QA -> Eng: We tested it. Looks good to go. Here's the protocol and results.

Eng -> REC: Here you go, Sport. All nice and pretty and working.

REC -> L-user & On-site Admin: Here you go. Enjoy.

L-user & On-site Admin -> REC: Thank you!!!!

That's how it's supposed to work.
Now for a little dose of reality:

L-user -> REC: HALP! There's sand in my vagina! The App's not working!
REC -> L-user: Talk to your On-site SysAdmin.
L-user -> REC: NO!!! FIX IT NOW!!!!!
REC: OK, fine. Stay calm. Set logging to ALL, run foo, bar, baz, quux and muux. Send screenshots, logs and run a truss.
L-user: WHAT? SAND! VAGINA! Wash it for me now! What's truss? Are you calling me fat? I don't see truss.exe under Start:Programs! HALP!!! Why do you need all this?! FIX NOW!!
REC: Let me hold your hand as I explain in excruciating detail how to perform the tests. You'll need help from your admin.
L-user: Here's a screenshot.
REC: Run ALL the tests and send me the results.
L-user: WAAAAAHHHH!!!! There's sand in my vagina! I don't have time for this! Fix it now!
REC: Please run all the tests as specified and send all results. Failure to do so will result in this ticket being considered abandoned.
L-user: {petulance}
L-user: {pissing and moaning}
L-user: Fine Mr Smart Guy. Here! Now get the sand out of my vagina!!!

REC: {ponder}
REC: {research}
REC: {This Joey Betz guy writes some really nifty games}
REC: {test}
REC: {Other "classic" Flash games are great, too}
REC: {epiphany}

REC -> Engineering: We have a defect. Here are the details. Repro environment on 4DA33.testbed.internal.megacorp.com. Directions, truss, logs, screenshots, dumps attached.

Engineering -> REC: Huh? Rejected. We need a repro environment.
REC -> Engineering: The repro is on 4DA33.testbed.internal.megacorp.com as I wrote already.
Engineering -> REC: Huh? Rejected. We need the logs.
REC -> Engineering: The logs are already attached.
Engineering -> REC: Huh? Rejected. Not reproducible.
REC: WTF???
REC -> Management: Look at ticket A7-44W-1A. Eng is dicking about again.

Management <--> Eng: {tons of E-Mail I shouldn't have to look at but which is CC:'d to me anyway, allowing me to catch them out in one lie after another.}

Engineering -> REC: Here you go, asshole. Test it.
REC -> Engineering: Fuck that shit. I ain't QA, bitch. Pass it to QA, follow the testing protocol, then send me the patch and report.
Engineering -> REC: It's done. You can test it.
REC -> Engineering: Fuck that shit. I canNOT test or approve. Send that shit to QA.

QA: Huh?
Eng: It works.
QA: Oh. OK. Approved.
REC: Give me a cert.
QA: We're fresh out. Take our word on it.
REC: Bite me. Follow the Approval Process and send me the cert.
QA: Fine. Approved.
Eng: We're outta here, suckaz.

REC -> L-user & On-site Admin: Here you go. Approved by Eng and QA.

L-user & On-site Admin -> REC: FORGET THE TWATSILICATES! THERE ARE GIANT CHAINSAWS UP OUR BUTTS! THIS PATCH JUST CRASHED OUR FUCKING PRODUCTION SYSTEM YOU ASSHOLE! HAAAALLLLPPPP!!!!

Only another 23 years of this and then I can retire. If I don't have an aneurysm first.