Friday, September 14, 2007

Feed Me!

For 17 years I was a vegetarian for a number of reasons, most of them due to a particular girl from Huddersfield who enjoyed my company, said enjoyment requiring the howl of Billy Bragg or other "socially responsible musician" in the background. While the girl and her collection of socialist, anti-Thatcher CDs and cassettes disappeared, my choice of dietary restriction remained, both a blessing and a curse.

I haven't been a veggie for some years now, but due to blood tests showing truly astronomical lipid values, I was temporarily a vegan. It's easy to be a veggie in the US, and not just on the coasts. It's easy in the UK, too. It's a different story here in Germany. Being a vegan here -- where lard is a common bread spread and fatback a "healthy" dinner -- is nigh on impossible. Few of the substitutes and specialty products are available and most of those which can be found are both high in fat content and generally inedible: they taste like my dirty socks smell and have the consistency of lumpy plaster.

One item I remember from my vegan days in the US is Fantastic Foods' "Tofu Scrambler". The stuff tastes nothing like scrambled eggs but it's a nice enough dish which can be whipped up in a couple of minutes, and it fits within the narrow confines of my diet. Finding the stuff here in Europe is another matter, and I'm not planning on any trip to the US to bring back a suitcase full. I went to their site and was presented a form rather than an E-Mail address:

Do you have any importers here in Germany or elsewhere in Europe? If not do you sell and ship products such as Tofu Scrambler in bulk packaging (for personal use, not for resale)?


Simple enough. Three days later I got a response:
Dear REC:

Thank you for taking the time to contact Fantastic World Foods. Sorry to tell you we do not ship out the United States.

Thanks again for your inquiry. We hope that you will continue to enjoy Fantastic World Foods products!

You hope I'll continue to enjoy your fucking products when I can't get them to begin with? Pay attention to your fucking boilerplate, you fuckwits!



Anonymous Anonymous pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

You might want to consider contacting Hain-Celestial Group Inc. to see if they can ship their Yves Veggie Cuisine products overseas.

I can't vouch for some of the newer American products they've come out with (which admittedly look A LOT tastier than what we have here), but I've tried some of their Canadian products lately. Their veggie burgers are somewhat bland, so you'll need to add the right amount of spices/toppings to liven things up a bit.

The only thing I noticed which was a little high had to be the sodium content. It's a no-win situation when it comes to tofu products, the doctors want you to eat healthy but if you try doing so, you're stuck "healthy" products that are loaded with salt, thereby raising your blood pressure & effectively defeating the purpose of said product.

The local fast food joints (McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, Harveys, etc.) all came out with their versions of "veggie burgers" over the past few years and they admittedly tasted quite good, but I doubt they're 100% vegan products due to the salt/fat they're cooked in. Some places even dropped them off the menu due to lack of demand and replaced them with side-salads for their burgers.

Yeah... right... like a side salad comprised of nothing more than 2 lettuce leaves, 1 tomato slice and 6 croutons is going to be enough of a "health-kick" to outweigh/balance-out the cholesterol & fat of a Whopper.

15 September, 2007 21:36  
Blogger kevinsim pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

Just found your Blog, What is a support monkey

18 September, 2007 07:21  
Anonymous Anonymous pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

A tech support monkey (or "TSM" for short) is a term which IT Support/Helpdesk personnel are commonly called/named after.

I can't vouch for others, but you know that old saying about locking a hundred monkeys in a room and you'll get a syndicated newspaper out of it? Well, I sometimes feel like a monkey who gets locked in a room for 8 hours a day... expected to produce spectacular results of record "closed tickets" out of thin air... even when the fuckwits aren't in their office.

Sorry for being so cryptic in my response... it's currently 8:00am and I haven't had any coffee yet... gnarrr...

18 September, 2007 13:12  

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