Joseph Heller wrote the script almost 50 years ago.
I'm the Duty Monkey today. I get to look at every fucking ticket which comes in and decide if it's really, really important and which group of ours gets stuck with it. There've been a lot of tickets coming in lately in my specialty areas but I'm no longer getting them, the reasons for this being withheld until I can figure out an analogy which won't clearly identify my employer and get me fired before I send my very long and detailed explanation of every reason why this new system is such ass.
REC: Hey, Meathead. I've got the morning's backlog sorted. Oh, and I can take ticket #A23-88ZQ. It's about $Issue which I did all the research on and wrote all the documentation about six years ago. Piece of piss.
Meathead: Nope. I'm assigning it to Klaus.
REC: WTF? He wasn't even with the company when that version was released!
Meathead: But he's coming up at the top of my list so he gets it.
REC: He's fucking swamped!
Meathead: Not according to the list here.
REC: Did you ask him if his workload is accurately represented?
Meathead: No need. The system says he's available.
REC: He just told me he's not, and in 15 minutes he's taking over as Duty Monkey.
Meathead: Well, he'll have to manage.
REC: Just give me the fucking ticket. I've already talked to him. He doesn't know this shit. The only person in Europe who does know it is me.
Meathead: I can't do that.
REC: Why the fuck not? You know damned well that I'm going to be the one resolving it anyway.
Meathead: See? You'll get an assist!
REC: I don't need a fucking assist. I need a ticket so that I don't get assigned some other problem that I have no idea about.
Meathead: I can't give it to you.
REC: Why the fuck not since I'm going to be the one to resolve it?
Meathead: Because you want it.
REC: What the...?
Meathead: You can't choose your tickets. They have to be assigned now. And since you want it that's like picking it yourself and you can't do that so I have to give it to someone else.
REC: Because I'm the only person available who knows how to resolve the problem you're not going to give it to me?
REC: So instead I have to resolve it anyway but I won't get the credit.
REC: And I'll have to do this resolution while I'm struggling to find some person who happens to know how to handle the shit you assigned to me that I haven't got a clue about.
REC: This is fucking insane.
Meathead: This is how we have to do things. Oh, I do have a ticket for you: #A12-1AP0.
REC: And it's about... what exactly?
Meathead: Pending threads in a DB2 system running on OS/390 causing crashes. I'm sure you'll figure out something.