Funny how that knife so rarely cuts in both directions.
"OK, and while I'm fixing your malware-infected computer, you can write me a 40-page report comparing $HedgeFund with $GrowthFund."
"No problem. I'll fix your hard drive and make your computer 'unbreakable' while you bore out my car's engine, add a mad blower and custom exhaust."
"OK, while I recover the document you 'saved' to a non-existent drive, you can go kill a cow, butcher it completely and fill my freezer."
Funny how there are so few takers.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried to hide what I do from the extended family, word got out and five -- count 'em, five -- fucking laptops arrived with three families, all of which I could "easily fix" while at the same time cooking a five-course dinner for their dozen-and-a-half hungry gobs.
Trying to explain your job administering heavy iron has as much in common with their Yahoo! Messenger software as running a feedlot does with cooking in a four-star restaurant is pointless. You work in "computers". You must know.
"But it's just a simple problem."
If it's so fucking simple, fix it yourself.
"But you're the computer expert."
If Yahoo! ever ports their Messenger to AIX and you happen to buy an RS6000, then perhaps I may be able to help. The only way I can fix your Windows XP Home machine is to uninstall all that "important" shit you just can't live without, because a browser's not a browser without at least half a dozen third-party toolbars. And your spyware-filled icon buddies. And five different chat clients.
The only way I can "fix" your computer and "make it work" is to delete everything and start over, making it -- in your eyes, oh extended fambly members -- not work. And should your machine be so fucked by the hells you've visited upon it that you're willing to accept my radical idea, you'll only fill it back up with the same shit which broke it before as soon as you get home. A week later I'll get a call bitching about how I didn't really fix it, that it's now worse than it was before, and that I have some nerve calling myself a computer expert (something I've never in my life called myself).
I fucking hate family gatherings.