Friday, March 21, 2008

IRCing Wat Ur Doing

After four hours of conf calls with people so stupid the only reason that they don't check the level of gasoline in their cars with a lighter is that flicking a Bic without a 14-page PowerPoint explanation is beyond their feeble mentalities, I finally got home. In trying to relax I hopped on #husi at slashnet and got into a chat with others facing the same sorts of hell that I do. Thanks to aph for sparring with me and making me laugh in a moment when all I wanted to do was deepen the my-head-shaped-dent in front of the keyboards.

The sad thing is that it's nearly impossible to tell this "conversation" apart from real internal communications. Only the lack of useless managerial buzzwords -- "synergy" and "paradigm"come to mind -- prove this wasn't cut and pasted from internal mails.
[00:06 aphrael] dear developers: the problem QA is reporting is critical and must by its description be something low-level. the minor fixes you are throwing at them with "this ought to fix it" without actually bothering to investigate the problem are ... useless.
[00:06 aphrael] please stop wasting their time and mine. thank you, integration.
[00:07 REC] Dear QA, please to be writing accurate reports of EXACTLY what the problem is. Please to be providing images of the test beds and the logs, monitors and dumps we need to fix it. Love, Eng.
[00:08 aphrael] engineering: the problem is that the software does not print. at all. this should be trivial to reproduce. love, integration.
[00:09 REC] Dear Sales, please to stop fucking telling customers about all the great print features which Eng hasn't worked out and QA can't certify before you sell the product, leaving US to come up with a fucking solution. Love, Support
[00:09 aphrael] Dear Support: our product is a printer. Love, Management.
[00:10 REC] Dear Management, please to be providing some fucking ink already. Love, Support.
[00:11 aphrael] Dear Support, Sales, QA and Management, Ink? I think we've found the problem. Love, Eng.
[00:11 REC] Dear Integration, Please to write specs for ink. Love, Eng.
[00:12 aphrael] Dear Eng, Project Management provided this spec for ink three years ago. Why haven't you implemented it yet? Love, Integration.
[00:14 REC] Dear Integration, PM inserted said spec in an Excel sheet which was copied over as a WMF file into Word. This Metafile was dropped into a PowerPoint presentation. Our department uses HP-UX. Please to be sending text files. Love, Eng.
[00:15 aphrael] eng: aah! i see the problem. you deviated from the spec in this fashion, while the other engineering department deviated in this other fashion, and the two outcomes don't work together. please resolve.
[00:16 REC] Dear Integration, Please note that each Engineering department works independently. If integration between the two is necessary, I think we know which department needs to pick up some slack.
Love, Eng (Division 1A)
[00:17 aphrael] see, this is the joy of integration. all responsibility with no authority!
I was never much of a Dilbert fan and now I live that fucking cartoon. Somebody kill me please.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous kernelman pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

Aren't you on fire recently. It was pretty quiet for a while and now almost a post a day.

I guess this can only mean push has come to shove at $MegaCorp… My sympathies.

21 March, 2008 16:28  
Blogger ReallyEvilCanine pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

It was quiet because I was having some problems outside $MegaCorp. My life has gotten back to a bit more normalcy. Things are going better and I finally feel like writing again. I don't do the Thomas Mann thing and write for 90 minutes a day whether or not I feel like it. $MegaCorp is still shite and thus continues to provide me with stories but also -- this is important -- with paychecks.

22 March, 2008 13:12  
Anonymous kernelman pulled out a crayon and scribbled:

Good to hear that at least a certain respectable percentage of your total time on this Earth is of the pleasurable variety and can be enjoyed through the power of Graysk.. paychecks.

Have a nice day.

26 March, 2008 14:10  

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and would also like to see the implementation of Root Cause: 17-Fuckwit.